Everyone wonders what martial art is best for self defense, here our new sensei Nick Drossos schools all you keyboard warriors on the most effective ways to disable attackers in a club, in the street or even a dummy in your mom’s basement.

1. The head butt: perfect way to open a street fight, regardless of whether you loosely charge like an enraged Homer Simpson or slap on a terrible double collar tie. JUST DON’T GRAB THE SHIRT!!

2. Hammer Fist: Seen more & more in UFC from the blue steel pose with a perfectly squared stance (the only way to set this up) make sure to flick and flail your arm directly onto the nose for total incapacitation.

3. Elbows: None of your fancy Nathan Corbett elbow technique here, swing from below your waist. Particularly useful if the guy has a height or reach advantage use those short strikes.

4. Double Palm Strike: BE CAREFUL, this blow holds the power to kill and injure any armless dummies you might encounter as they try and steal your drink/girl/dignity. Put palm over palm and drive your hands as hard as you can into the unsuspecting attackers face, then walk away as the opponent surely crumbles to your superior skills.

5. Knees: Again our master teaches us that Muay Thai collar ties are unnecessary, just clasp your hands in a double axe handle much like former WWE star Tatanka and knee to the sternum and sides of your opponent. For some reason in a no rules street fight, never to the groin but I bow to his superior wisdom. Alternate from side to side to confuse our ill prepared attacker and prevent him from catching a knee as we turn his sides and ribs into so much soft plastic.

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Well guys it’s truly time for me to hang up my belts, my gloves and embrace the ways of Drossos, kneel before me and tremble all armless, legless dummy attackers for I am INVINCIBLE.