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When We Were Bouncers online book ON SALE NOW

When We Were Bouncers the book is now available, plus a new story from Pat Miletich, who was last seen stopping a friend from driving a pitchfork into an attacker’s legs.

Chris Palmquist

June 10, 2014 · 5 min read

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Actor/stuntman/fighter Paul “The Mauler” Lazenby has a must-read Facebook page – When We Were Bouncers. Each week he presents a crazy new story from former security personnel who went on to become actors, comedians, pro wrestlers, stuntmen, or MMA fighters.

AND FINALLY IT IS A BOOK!!!

Available for purchase on Amazon for just $4.99!

Available for purchase on Amazon for just $4.99!!

Available for purchase on Amazon for just $4.99!!!

Don’t CLICK on the image below:

When I was fourteen years old, I was a bouncer in a whorehouse in the Amazon.

Renzo Gracie

I smiled a little and said, ‘Okay, I get it’. Then I SMASHED him in the face with a serving tray.

Theo Rossi, star of Sons of Anarchy

With girls, all bets are off. They’re gonna hit with their purse, pull hair, whatever they can do. There’s no rules.

Shayna Baszler

Little did I know I was about to find one of the strippers standing there, wearing nothing but a c*ck ring!

Adam “Edge” Copeland WWE Hall of Famer

Available for purchase on Amazon for just $4.99!

Available for purchase on Amazon for just $4.99!!

Available for purchase on Amazon for just $4.99!!!

Lazenby also has a new story out, from Pat Miletich. Gentle readers offended by this one should avoid the first one, where one of Pat’s friends sorts out an attacker by pitchforking his legs.

This one’s an off-duty story about me and a buddy named Tommy Hernandez. Tommy was an Illinois State wrestling champion and he was also funnier than shit. One year MTV had a nationwide contest to find a new VJ, and Tommy took second place but I swear he should have won. Tommy’s absolutely hilarious.

So me and Tommy go out to this place called The Blue Flamingo — yeah, I know it sounds like a gay bar but it’s not. The bouncers know us so they let us in the back door, and we walk past a bunch of people playing foosball to get some beers at the back bar.

While we’re standing there drinking, a guy walks away from one of the tables and comes up to us. He says, Hey, I’m trying to play foosball here. This tournament’s for a lot of money and you guys are distracting me. You gotta get the fuck out of here. But I say, We’re twenty feet away from you and we’re not bothering anybody. Just play your damn game.

Now he’s pissed, but what’s he gonna do? He goes back to his table and ends up losing the game, after which of course he freaks out. He storms off to the bathroom to collect himself, but when he comes back you can tell that he’s still steaming mad.

So Tommy nudges me with his elbow and says, Watch this, and then he beckons to the guy to come over to us. The guy walks over and says What?!, and Tommy goes, Hey… ya fuckin’ lost, didn’t ya? (laughs)

The guy loses his mind even worse, and he goes off to tell the bar owner on us. Turns out that he and the owner are buddies, so the owner comes back with the guy and says, I’m sorry, Pat, but you guys gotta go — your buddy’s causing problems with my friends. No disrespect, but you gotta go. I tell him, That’s bullshit! There’s no way we’re leaving, and shortly after that we’re surrounded by several bouncers as well as the owner who’s being an asshole and the foosball guy who’s now gloating his ass off.

As we’re all standing there, Tommy slowly looks around from face to face until he finally lands on the owner.

So, Tommy says. You’re 100% sure we have to leave.

Yeah, I’m 100% sure.

Let me get this straight — there is no fucking way that we’re gonna be able to stay in this bar tonight.

Sorry, there’s no way.

Alright… I’m gonna try this one more time. There is nothing I can say to convince you to let us stay in this bar tonight. We absolutely have to leave, right?

That’s right, you have to leave. No way around it.

Tommy ponders this for a second, looks over at me, smiles, and then SMOKES the foosball guy right in the face! (laughs)

The guy’s instantly unconscious and it’s on. I’m grabbing bouncers by the hair and throwing them around, Tommy’s doing whatever he’s doing, and we’re just tearing the place apart. It goes on for a minute or two until there’s a pause in the action, and I look up to see two giant bouncers marching toward the door carrying Tommy on their shoulders.

Still smiling as he goes past, Tommy looks back at me and yells:

HEY, PAT! I GUESS WE’RE LEAVIN’! (laughs)